I have written and rewritten this same letter over and over, countless times. There are so many things to say and so many things that I have already said, yet all of them seem pointless now and were a waste of my time.
We were friends for the longest time and you were always there when I needed you. In all fairness, I was probably not the best person for you to be friends with. I struggled a lot with emotional sensitivity and thought my “no-nonsense” attitude was a good juxtaposition to yours. When we fell out, you unleashed a lot of hatred onto me, despite my best efforts to sort the situation out. Only recently did I realise that I probably shouldn’t have tried.
You are as much of a stranger to me now as you were when we first met. You’re actually probably as much of a stranger to me now as you were when our friendship was beginning to crumble. I’m not going to place any blame, but damn girl, you are seriously bad at picking guys that you’re actually compatible with. The last boyfriend you had (that I now know of) was an absolute tool, yet you enjoyed the way he made you feel. The way he made you feel of course was disillusioned, hounded, and seriously controlled. We were on a gorgeous two-week holiday and he insisted on calling you while we were out countless times, leaving me to mope through our shared pastry treats alone. You can tell when someone is not happy to be in the situation they’re in, but you didn’t leave, despite many eye rolls and a lessened demeanour on the phone. It’s a shame that you broke up after we did because I suspect that things with us would have ended differently had that not been the case.
There’s so much that I wish we still did. I’ve definitely lost the friend that I had possibly the most in common with; I think I leeched off of your interests and you were the same with me. We enjoyed each other’s company and were the right kind of hilarious together. You actually bothered to be friends with me which made a nice change to all of the high school drama we had grown up with. If we were still friends, I know that you would come down and visit me when I'm far away from home. We’d be driving around the country seeing different sights and just having a ball. I don’t actually know what you get up to anymore. I’ve heard that your life is boring now which is actually not that pleasant to hear. People who have met up with you recently have relayed to me that you’ve changed, you’ve become a shell of sorts. You’re definitely not the person I remember you to be. Who you were was my best friend, who you are now is a mystery.
When we fell out at the airport, it left me in good stead with anybody who would ask for the story. You deserted me while I was still a novice flyer. You had my passport and boarding pass in your pocket. During your forty-minute trip to the toilet, the gate closed and I panicked. You were smug and unbothered whilst I was distraught. This story makes you come across as a genuinely horrendous person, and in that moment, I did not want to know you. But I can look back retrospectively and see that it didn’t really matter. Whoever that was was not my best friend. When that all happened, it was obvious that things were very different and would never be the same again.
But I do miss you, whoever you are.
By Emily Dennis
Image courtesy of Castorly Stock via Pexels
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